So many people talk about the calm before the storm. Some use hindsight as a way to pinpoint the exact turning point; the point at which everything went wrong. Some get that gut feeling which tells them that it’s just too good to be true, and they find themselves anticipating the hurdle.

For me, that hurdle is a roadblock, an abyss. Something so unpassable that it’s impossible to avoid.

For me, the Storm is always inevitable.

It’s the thing that so often holds me back from letting go and being truly happy. It’s the thing that prevents me from finding true joy in things. Some will most likely say that’s just an excuse not to try…well maybe it is. If it’s an excuse, it is something that is so deeply ingrained in me that I cannot seem to let it go.

I was 15 when I got diagnosed with severe depression. 2005. I used to have such highs, such happy times, and then come down with a crash. I learnt to look out for it…to fear the highs, to fear the happiness. After all, what good would euphoria bring?

I began to dread the Calm; to avoid it. After all, without the Calm, there was no Storm.

As the years went on, it was something I was able to shake…somewhat. I no longer tried to avoid the happiness, although it did often still hold me back from doing some of the things I loved.

These days, I am left with apprehension. As soon as I realise just how happy I am, just how much of a good time I am having, I start to worry. Maybe that’s what triggers it now. Maybe it’s the worry, the stress about the Storm, that brings on the Storm itself.

Sometimes, I forget. I forget the inevitable until it arrives and slaps me round the face. Those are the worst Storms.

They also tend to be the best Calms. Why? Because I actually let myself experience them. I allow myself that time to be happy.

After all, do I really want a life of apathy?

 

Reflectionsfromme

The Storm that follows The Calm
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7 thoughts on “The Storm that follows The Calm

  • February 23, 2017 at 10:02 pm
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    I lived that way too for a long time. Your piece is nicely written and it reminds me what I’ve overcome

    Reply
    • February 24, 2017 at 1:50 pm
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      Thank you. I’m glad this is no longer the case for you šŸ™‚

      Reply
  • March 21, 2017 at 8:26 pm
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    It’s what I call ‘wallow’ time when you come down from a high. Not meant in a patronising or derogatory way – meant in a reflective, gathering your thoughts way. #mg

    Reply
  • March 26, 2017 at 10:50 am
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    I can totally elate to this. There have been times where everything seems to happy and good that I can become frozen with fear of what will come next. Depression is so hard, but we can’t let it win! Thank you so much for sharing this post #mg

    Reply
    • March 28, 2017 at 7:51 pm
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      Yes, I know that feeling well!
      Thank you for reading šŸ™‚

      Reply
  • April 2, 2017 at 7:21 pm
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    Powerful post about your own experience of depression, thank you for sharing and I hope you are able to enjoy happiness now.

    Reply
    • April 2, 2017 at 7:33 pm
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      I think depression will always be my little sidekick. I like to think it means I have more appreciation of the good times šŸ™‚

      Reply

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