The Day I Fell Down The Toilet is a hilarious poem by Steve Turner. I had his book of poetry as a kid, and it never failed to make me giggle. I remember one time me and a couple of friends read it out at Church during one of their kids entertainment services, an it had the whole congregation chuckling.
I forgot about it for a while, as you do when you grow up. Something recently reminded me of it, although I’m not sure what, and I had to go look it up. It seems a shame not to share it with you all!
The Day I Fell Down The Toilet
The day I fell down the toilet
Is the day I’ll never forget,
One moment I was comfort
The next I was helpless and wet.
My feet tipped up to the ceiling
My body collapsed in the bowl
In haste I grabbed at the handle
And found myself flushed down a hole.
One wave goodbye to the bathroom
And I was lost in the sewer,
Traveling tunnels and caverns
On a raft made out of manure.
Then came the washing-up water
With bits of spaghetti and peas,
The filth from a local factory
And an undiscovered disease.
Drifting along in the darkness,
There was nothing to do but wait.
What would I say to my mum now?
What was it that made me so late?
Suddenly it was all over,
From the end of a pipe I shot
Into a part of the ocean
Where the rubbish was sent to rot.
Glad to escape from the tunnel
To leave all pollution behind,
I found a nice spot on the beach
Then started to bathe and unwind.
But bad things began to pursue me
They stuck to my feet and my hand
Wreckage was surfing the wave tops
And oil lay around the sand.
I figured the sewer was safer
For no one said sewers were clean,
I found the pipe that I came from,
And waded my way back upstream.
When I got home I was shattered
I was filthy, ragged and wet,
Rattling the bathroom door was Dad
Saying, ‘You off that toilet yet?’
–By Steve Turner